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Re: [Fandfs] Cynthia, November, 2010
Dearest Honey and Sarah How wonderful, albeit very hard for you, that
Cynthia should live her dying days in just as unique and extraordinary
a way as she has lived her whole life. Not for her lying back and
taking what's given her; just fading out and breathing less until no
more. She's clearly totally involved - psychologically and spiritually
- with her passage to that other place and will play an active part in
every step she takes. I only hope that the road gets smoother for her
and for all of you there, on-looking her journey. I think of her and
you all constantly, as a background murmur to the immediate busyness my
everyday life. I long to be there. Your splendid detailed account of
her complex inner life is so moving; it helps to bridge the distance
between us all. My particular favourite is the walk south - I can so
clearly see you three and elephant in my mind's eye. Bird Rock is
shimmering there in the water and we watch it together. I can't thank
you all enough for sharing this extraordinary time in your lives with
me. And so pleased that Lorelei's picture featured in Cynthia's
birthday celebrations! I love you all Susan
>----Original Message----
>From: honey@honeywilliams.com
>Date: 07/12/2010 17:57
>To: <fandfs@maborgias.com>
>Subj: [Fandfs] Cynthia, November, 2010
>
>
>
>
>>
>> Dear Friends and Family,
>>
>> This is a two part letter. The first section, "The Elephant in
the
>> Room", is about the past few days. The second section is a
general
>> November Update.
>>
>> December 4, 2010 "The Elephant in the Room"
>>
>> When she was a child living in Paris, Cynthia rode an elephant
when
>> visiting the zoo. For the past three days she has been calling
for
>> the elephant to come and help her. She inhabits the dreams state
>> and the waking state at the same time, spending much of the time
>> lying with her eyes closed, and often saying "help help, help me
>> help me". Need less to say, this is very distressing for those
of
>> us near by, and we say "what do you want help with, how can I
help
>> you", trying all combinations of words to see if we can elicit a
>> response that would provide us with a clue as to what was the
matter
>> and what she needed. Finally she made it clear that some of the
>> time she was not in fact talking to us. She said "it makes me so
>> angry when you say what can I do to help, you can't help". We
tell
>> her that if we could bring her the fountain of youth we would do
>> that, but we can't, because there is no fountain of youth.
>>
>> A few weeks ago CW went through a period of giving us a certain
look
>> that seemed to say that she really did not believe that we were
>> doing everything that we could to help her. It was a "just who
do
>> you think you are kidding" look, and it made our blood run cold.
We
>> were relieved when she moved from that anger into a wary
acceptance,
>> which happened after her last bout of illness. Alcie Williams
Meyers
>> was recently visiting, and on her leaving said something about
>> seeing her the next time, and Cynthia said that there may not be
a
>> next time. She said something similar to Linda Campbell, very
>> factual, and without self pity.
>>
>> Three days ago she told Molly that when she cried out "help help"
>> she was not talking to us, but she was talking "to them." Okay,
we
>> thought, that's good to know, because the "help help" was hard
for
>> us to bare. Yesterday afternoon when I was sitting with her she
>> spoke of a ship that was coming, but she could not yet make out
if
>> anyone was on the ship, but she zeroed in on who "them" were,
saying
>> she was asking a "Divine Creature for help." Bring it on, I
thought.
>>
>> When we sit with her and chat we tell her all the wise things
that
>> we read in books that are appropriate to say to people who are
in
>> the process of letting go of their bodies. We talk about death
and
>> dying in many ways and on many levels. One day she said to me,
>> "when the time comes I will sneak out pretty fast. But what
about
>> my shoes?" Her soul, she tells me, wants to stay here, and is not
>> yet ready to go. She worries that she does not know how to die,
or
>> know what she needs to do in order to move into the transition
out
>> of her body. So she calls for help.
>>
>> Yesterday afternoon Cynthia was calling out to Laidlaw, calling
for
>> Laidlaw to help help her. He had been there, she said, she had
seen
>> him, "Laidlaw, I don't know how to cross to where you are, can
you
>> please help me. We need you Laidlaw, don't go away". This
afternoon
>> she could no longer see him, but she could smell the smoke from
his
>> pipe, and she went on for some time calling out "Laidlaw,
Laidlaw".
>> You know, I never would have guessed that Laidlaw would be the
one
>> to help her over to the other side, you just never know where
help
>> may come from when you are really in need. I did suggest that
>> perhaps Abby-Lou would make a better guide. "No", she said,
>> "Laidlaw is much gentler, and he really knows his way out of the
>> woods"
>>
>> And the elephant. The elephant has been a reappearing theme
these
>> last days. And as I was leaving yesterday afternoon she told me
>> that "we have to make an elephant and ride it downtown." When I
>> returned this evening Laidlaw was not around, but the elephant
was
>> still in play. So we made an elephant, and now we have this
>> elephant. But how to cope with the elephant? Much discussion
about
>> this. The elephant was the right size, the right size being a
>> medium sized elephant. I told her I would be happy to take care
of
>> the elephant. But things were not right, maybe the elephant was
too
>> big to ride. She wanted to take the elephant for a walk but it
>> scared her. So we compromised, and said that both Molly and
Honey
>> would go with her and that we would just walk along side of the
>> elephant. But where did she want to walk? She wanted to "walk
out
>> of the Highlands". And in which direction? "South", she said.
So
>> we began our walk south. We walked past the Lloyds house, past
the
>> Doner's and past the gas station. Then past the Duttons house
and
>> the James' house. Past the Highlands Inn and Mrs Bigglow's
house,
>> the Mastens house. "Oh, and Dr McDougal's house" she said, then
>> said, "no, its too far off the highway". And we passed the
Westons
>> house (we also passed Harry Leon Wilsons house, but it went
>> unmentioned) and John O'Sheas house, and the turn off to the
Flavins
>> house. It was a fine walk we took, remembering each house and
each
>> family as we moved along, walking south along the highway, out of
>> the HIghlands. It made me cry. She was tired out after the
walk,
>> and ready to go to her bedroom to sleep.
>>
>> When I told Sarah about the elephant, she sent me the following e-
>> mail:
>>
>> I loved hearing about the elephant! It never occurred to me, but
of
>> course! - a power animal! A totem! It is worth noting that
according
>> to legend, when an elephant feels it is time to die, they start
>> walking, walking, knowing somehow instinctively the way to the
>> proverbial 'elephant graveyard.' What better animal to lead CW to
>> the other side then one that knows the way by heart? Elephants
are
>> the only animals other than humans to have a recorded death
ritual,
>> and elephants have been seen sitting shiva for days at a time.
>>
>> As for the dreams...when I was there visiting the dreams were
almost
>> always filled with people. "Those people" or "These people." My
take
>> is that everyone on the other side is waving her onward, that her
>> parents and brothers and friends and everyone who has passed on
>> already come to her and talk with her and want her to come with
>> them. But she is scared and confused, and often she feels trapped
>> between these two worlds, her dreams often involving some type of
>> entrapment from which she cannot escape. She told me about a
light
>> she saw out on bird rock. She worried she could not go to it
because
>> of the rule about no one going to bird rock since it is a
preserve,
>> a sanctuary. I told her we could bend the rules for her, that she
>> was the exception, but after some thought she changed her mind
and
>> wanted to stay where she was. I hope the elephant can lead her
>> towards that light.
>>
>>
>>
********************************************************************************************
>> November Update
>>
>> What with elephants and sailing ships, there is never a dull
moment
>> here in the Highlands. The month of November was eventful from
>> start to finish. The month began with rain, the world series,
and
>> Cynthia's birthday. Cynthia was in good spirits as her beloved
>> Giants scored victory after victory in the play-offs.
>>
>> On Cynthia’s 95th birthday the weather was gloriously warm and
>> sunny. A small cadre of friends and family gathered to celebrate
>> with her and watch the final game of the series. She was cheerful
>> and lucid most of the day, but by afternoon she was fading, and
had
>> retired to her bedroom by the sixth inning. We watched the final
>> innings in the living room (it still seems strange to have a
>> television in the living room) and we rushed into her room to
bring
>> her news of the big win. “The Giants won!” we cried, bursting in
the
>> bedroom. "I just don't believe it" she told us. She was in
sleepy
>> disbelief that after all these years of faithful fandom the good
ol’
>> Giants had finally won. Over the next few days we were able to
>> remind her again and again of the news of the win, and bring a
smile
>> every time we did.
>>
>> The night of the Giants big victory Sarah and Honey stayed up
til
>> all hours following the celebrations going on in the city of San
>> Francisco. Sarah was feeling a little sorry to not be up in the
>> city, as she had come home for Cynthia's birthday, so we did our
>> best to take in the evening's goings on "virtually". We followed
a
>> link someone had twittered that provided us with the ongoing
chatter
>> of the online stream of the SF police scanner. Through the
tweets
>> posted by people celebrating on the streets of SF we were as good
as
>> there, taking part in the commandeering of the fire truck at
Mission
>> and 23 and watching the fires being set in the streets. Following
>> updates on Twitter and Facebook we could follow the news that no
>> networks were bringing to us.
>>
>> The next day I was describing this amazing "social networking" to
>> Cynthia, explaining how we "virtually were there in SF". She
>> listened, and after some thought she said "I wonder what
>> Shakespeare would have made of all of this?" We agreed that Will
>> would probably be making good use of the various social
networking
>> sites and social media platforms. She may be confused, and
deeply
>> confused at times, but that interesting mind of CW's still goes
on
>> amazing us..
>>
>> Who could have asked for a better present than to have the Giants
>> win the world series in celebration of CW's 95th! A hardy Thank
You
>> to the Giants and to everyone who sent Cynthia birthday
greetings,
>> which arrived in many forms and formats. All tokens were
>> appreciated, and Molly showed them to Cynthia a few at a time,
and
>> several times over. Each time they were new to her and enjoyed
over
>> and over. On Cw's birthday we received a photo of Susan Clifford
>> Rayner's new granddaughter, a beautiful smiling baby, and this
photo
>> juxtaposed with 95-year-old Cynthia made a complete circle of life.
>>
>> CW sleeps more now then she has in the past few months, snoozing
>> most of the day and waking up at short intervals for meals or a
>> brief visit with whoever is passing through the Highlands. Some
days
>> she is lucid, although most days she seems stuck between her
>> sleeping and waking state, in a sort of half-dream. There are
often
>> reoccurring themes in these dreams, and they are all too often
>> stressful or fretful ones. We do our best to communicate with
her
>> on these days, although it is often frustrating to her as well as
us
>> when she cannot explain what she means or needs. There is
confusion
>> along with the forgetting. She will often have a thought, begin
to
>> express the thought, and then forget whatever it was and drift
away
>> from us. Very frustrating. Or she will have the thought, begin
to
>> express the thought, and not be able to find the words.
Sometimes,
>> if we are in a context, we can help her to complete the thought
or
>> locate the missing word.
>
>> One afternoon as she lay on the hospital bed in the living
room
>> gazing out to sea, she started to speak, "I love, I love, I
>> love...." Her words came slowly, "Yes", I said, "You love,
you
>> love, you love..." Suddenly she made the connection to her
words,
>> "I love that rock!" she said.
>> and she smiled. "I love that rock". Bird rock was shining in
the
>> sun. So I spoke to her about the rock, how every day we looked
out
>> at that beautiful huge rock, how the sun lit up the rock
in
>> the early morning and we could tell the time as well as the
weather
>> and the time of the year when we looked at that faithful old
rock.
>> Her view of Pt Lobos and the ocean, the changing sky, this view
>> sustains her through her long days of dreaming and waking as she
>> prepares for her passage. (Ah! and if only we knew where that
>> passage would lead us. The great mystery. She is often
frightened
>> of this unknowing. We remind her that she has lived a good life
and
>> has been loving and kind, We remind her that everyone crosses
the
>> lonely valley by themselves.)
>
>
>> Cynthia took sick the week before Thanksgiving, having become too
>> weak to inhale her respiratory medicine. There were a few bad
night
>> when Cynthia’s was having a lot of difficulty breathing and we
all
>> feared for the worst, and braced for a very different type of
>> Thanksgiving. Luckily, thanks to Molly’s tireless attentiveness
and
>> our wonderful crew of in-home care givers, we were able to switch
CW
>> to other medication that seems to have alleviated some of the
>> respiratory distress.
>>
>> Despite this, Thanksgiving was joyful, and the house was bursting
at
>> the seams with friends, family, and food. With record low
>> temperatures hovering just above freezing, it was certainly a
>> Thanksgiving to remember. With the house full of people, we
spilled
>> out of the house and into the garden for the actual meal,
stringing
>> Christmas lights and lighting "Mr Heaters" to transform the
patio
>> into a festive dining room. We assured our foreign visitors that
>> this was as authentic a Thanksgiving as you could ask for, eating
>> under the stars and in the cold. CW was still exhausted from
being
>> under the weather a few days before, and stayed down the hall in
her
>> warm room, where we were all able to come and pay her a visit.
>>
>> We had what we called "a relaxed Thanksgiving", having agreed not
to
>> let the small stuff upset us. And in fact it was very relaxed.
So
>> relaxed that when my oven was failing I just turned it off and
>> abandoned the turkey until the next day. Luckily there were two
>> other turkeys. The brave "20-somethings" sitting outdoors in the
>> patio made for a luxurious amount of space for the rest of us
dining
>> in the living room.
>>
>> Of course the big change this year was our missing Cynthia at her
>> usual place at the table. We felt her absence deeply, but we
>> survived, we did it without her, and it was just fine. Molly, our
>> Thanksgiving General, was elated that "we did it!". We toasted
>> Cynthia, and we toasted our community of family, friends and
loved
>> ones, feeling very blessed to be together surrounded by such love.
>>
>> Most everyone reading this will remember being at a party in the
>> Highlands, where the music was loud and went on until the wee
>> hours. Cynthia was never bothered by this, which I always felt
to
>> be a miracle. But no longer. During much of the long weekend she
>> grumbled in her bedroom, wishing "all of these people would go
>> home." We did our best to keep our voices down during dinner,
and
>> the after dinner dancing was moved next door to my house, which
>> worked out very well
>>
>> When Cynthia took ill just before Thanksgiving she was given a
>> course of prednisone. This was a blessing for her physical
health,
>> but after 4 or 5 days the psychotic side effect of prednisone
reared
>> its ugly head and there were some very long and unpleasant days.
I
>> was very happy that Sarah was here, as her patience is far
greater
>> than mine or Molly's, 2010 having been a tough year on us all.
But
>> what I started to write is that in the past few days we have
noticed
>> a big improvement in Cynthia's mental functioning. The
prednisone
>> seems to have mended her neural pathways, or at least improved
her
>> mental functioning. The past few days CW has been able to think
>> more clearly and express complete thoughts. She is being able
to
>> find her words. And this is a major blessing for us all, because
as
>> she is moving closer and closer to her spirit body taking leave
of
>> her physical body, we are able to talk together in meaningful
way,
>> meaningful for both Cynthia and ourselves.
>>
>> Last week the Hospice Chaplain came to speak with us, to discuss
>> what we could expect in the days and weeks to come, and what
>> arrangements needed to be made. It is impossible to think of CW
not
>> being here, perhaps because the Highlands is so steeped in her
>> ineffable spirit that she will never really be gone; that every
>> room, every inch, every flower pot, every teaspoon, has something
of
>> Cynthia in it. Never has someone become so intertwined with a
place
>> as CW is with her home, here at the Carmel Institute.
>>
>> And so we remain, camped out on the borderlands with our mother
and
>> grandmother, awaiting the crossing.
>>
>> Much Love,
>> Honey and Sarah Williams
>>
>> PS. A quick update on Sarah. She has recovered from the surgery
she
>> had in September and we are all relieved to have it behind us.
She
>> has found temporary employment in Palo Alto at a travel site
start-
>> up. When she was recently home for a week and was going through
a
>> box of old papers, she found journals relating stories of
>> afternoons at Grandmas, of walks on the beach and the sea air,
>> stories that told how Cynthia had made a sanctuary for us all.
When
>> I was telling CW about the stories Sarah had found, and reminding
>> her that she had opened her heart and made a home for so many
>> people, she thought about this for a moment, then said, "Well you
>> know, it's because I really like people".
>>
>>
>
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