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Re: [Fandfs] These past days
Honey, There is much to learn about "leaving" and assisting
departure. It is invaluable to read what every one is experiencing,
particularly Cynthias dream state..her being here and sensing that she
is going somewhere else...her calm and yours, Mollys etc Wisdom in
hAndling some thing so "big"..I wish I were there to hug all of you.
Let's talk when you cAn. Love, Kathy
On 12/18/09, Honey Williams <honey@honeywilliams.com> wrote:
> Dear Family and Friends of Cynthia Williams,
>
> Dec. 17, 2009
>
> I am totally loosing track of time. Christmas is apparently upon us,
> and the mornings come and I turn around and it is afternoon. People
> call, and I find myself going over the same story again and again, so
> as a quick re-cap, a few paragraphs below are some e-mails sent during
> this past week.
>
> Last night at dinner Cynthia still feeling bewildered, not remembering
> much of anything of the last week. "Have I been sick?", " It seems
> that I must have been pretty out of it". We say "yes, yes, all is
> fine, not to worry". She is eating more "real" food, and her body
> seems a tiny bit stronger. We begin 24 hour in-home care today.
> Molly's two English step-grandchildren arrive tomorrow, and with
> children in the house, Christmas will be all over us. Some months ago
> Grandfather Tom told Sam, age 5, the Molly had a wheelbarrow of
> presents for him. Sam, need less to say, has not forgotten this rash
> promise, and each time they talk via skype Sam finds a way to one more
> time bring up the issue of the wheelbarrow. One can only imagine the
> images he has in his mind. Need less to say as well, Molly has taken
> this task to heart and come Christmas morning, we hope to produce a
> Christmas Wheelbarrow that will be a life long Christmas memory for
> sweet Sam. Lucky for us that for a 5 year old gift wrapping can turn
> most anything into an exciting present. We are all counting on Sam,
> his 2 year old brother Oliver, and the delicious Octavian (son of
> Hansi and Melody) to carry us all along with them on their magical
> Christmas voyage.
>
> Paula went back to Denver to Marty Pato who is still laid up with his
> recently broken hip. John has taken over the cooking. Sonja, Jim,
> Boo and Honey went on the classic tree cutting adventure. The tree
> was at Peter and Shirley West's house near Rocky Creek. Each and
> every year we nearly kill ourselves or each other with this "happy
> task". But we eventually, as we do each year, got the tree back to
> the house where it lay in the driveway until yesterday when we got it
> inside and up (again, a major adventure). Later we found the bucket
> to be leaking, so today we hope to move it into a new bucket, if we
> can organize the manpower. I am always amazed that a tree that looks
> not all that big outside, is always many feet taller than the living
> room ceiling.
>
> And here is the re-cap. The writing below goes back to Dec. 9 and
> them onward, with a few digressions.
>
>>
>> You ask how today went? Am moving into some sort of
>> sweeping family vortex that is picking up steam, spinning around,
>> suspended in a timelessness, a time warp. The outside world falls
>> away along with obligations now forgotten. Phone calls are made,
>> people arrive. There seems always to be someone cooking, someone
>> else washing dishes.
>
> Talking with my daughter last night, sleeping in the same bed because
> it is so cold in the rest of the house. And sleeping together because
> she is and will always be my little bunny. I realize that I have very
> few preconceived notions of what will come "after". Our lives will
> undergo major shifts Will have to just wait and see. I suppose I
> will be out there in the world without the protection of a mother,
> always the unconditional love. And I suppose we are far more involved
> with one another than most mothers and daughters., and she is my
> anchor. I suppose I could go anywhere or do anything.? If I even
> move toward thinking in that direction, my brain feels like it has a
> short circuit and just won't go there.
>
> During these past months, and especially past weeks, Cynthia came to
> need more and more "nursing". And I think I was just fine that Molly
> had taken the majority of the nursing. I was happy to be on call, and
> when I needed to cope I could. And now today, doctors, nurses and
> Indian Chiefs. I bounce off of walls for a time, back and forth
> between the houses. I don't know just what to do with myself, and I
> have got so much I need to do.
>
> Our sister Laura flew up from LA last night. Today she gets the
> biggest casting call back of her many years working as an actress.
> The casting call is for tomorrow. Oh dear, what to do,? to go, to
> stay? She decides to go and then drive right back up. A little
> later in the day friends on their way to LA stop to visit, and so
> Laura can drive south with them. The play she is reading for is
> called, "The Wake.". It is all just getting to be so cosmic at every
> turn.
>
> Tonight at my sister's request I made up the first batch of eggnog
> which was very good in spite of having had no time to cure. The
> gallon was 2/3 consumed in a short period of time. And suddenly I
> realized I had forgotten to add the egg whites. So I beat them up and
> went next door to add them to the nog. People had loved the egg nog
> without the egg whites. I left shortly there after, followed by SArah
> and our old friend Kathleen, who reported that Cronander and Jack had
> been carried off to bed. Jack and Cro arrived this afternoon with
> their huge heart energy, which with them, is accompanied by loud
> voices and much merriment.
>
> With mom, the last 2 days doing quick drop-in. Sometimes she is
> snoring happily, and when she is awake i get on her bed and we tell
> each other how much we love each other, and I convey messages from
> people I have spoken with. "Tell her that she saved my life", or
> words to that effect, I hear over and over. And we talk about the
> different people, and we talk about THE BIG ONE. Crossing the lonely
> valley by yourself. She is fit for that crossing and has no fear,
> just waiting for whatever it is to come. She talked about my
> stepmother with such love, and said what a wonderful person she is,
> and how she wanted to be sure that we would take care of Hope in any
> family sort of way. I said yes, for sure, indeed. And she said ah it
> made her glad.
>
> Trying to describe that conversation to my sister, maybe 45 minutes
> later, I realize so much I've forgotten. Molly says she means to write
> thing down that pass between herself and Cynthia, but she gets
> distracted and before she know it, pow, she can't remember...and there
> is so much going on in the moment.
>
> We all have such different relationships with my mother. There are
> probably 50, maybe 100, people who consider her their mother or
> grandmother or just savior. And the four of us siblings. Cynthia and
> I shared the 60'ies, which we both loved.
>
> I wander. Trying to describe how it went today, no easy question.
>
> She did say that she had one worry about entering into the Big
> Mystery, and it was about her glasses. Would she need her glasses?
> And where would they be? I said I did not think that she would need
> them, but that we would make sure to keep them close by just in case.
>
> For sure a dream state. With the occasional good cry. Joan is coming
> tomorrow to sing to Cynthia, and I will cry and cry and cry.
>
> I think that I am in fact, ready to let go of my sweet mother
> Cynthia... supporting her as I can with her transcendence into the
> Clear Light. She is warm and comfortable and growing more frail,
> sinking into her pillows. I will miss her terribly.
>
>>
>>
>>>>
>>>>> Monday (Dec. 14, 2009) morning comes with sunny skies and
>>>>> a hangover, see below, Sunday night. Molly stops by to say
>>>>> Cynthia wondered when we were going to be passing through
>>>>> customs. So who knows exactly where we are, or, where we are
>>>>> going. She is sitting up and eating an apple and tangerine when
>>>>> I have an afternoon visit, before going home to make more egg nog.
>>>>
>>>>>>> Friday (Dec. 11) came gently. warm with the occasional shower.
>>>>>>> We are elated and tired and some hung over. Faces puffy from
>>>>>>> tears. Cynthia woke up feeling, well, old and tired. After a
>>>>>>> snooze she was ready for some chatting. People began going
>>>>>>> in to sit and talk with Cynthia, one or two at a time.
>>
>>>>>>> Julian Davis was about to head back to the city, so we went on
>>>>>>> into the bedroom and Julian played guitar and we all sang
>>>>>>> "don't you worry about a thing, cause every little thing is
>>>>>>> gonna be alright"....not a dry eye in the room. We then went
>>>>>>> into 7 or 8 Christmas carols, Cynthia singing right along
>>>>>>> through the many verses, then Cynthia was off back to sleep.
>>>>>>> Paula Singer has arrived from Denver, and Mary Weingarden from
>>>>>>> SF. Paula lived here last summer when Molly was away, so she
>>>>>>> know what needs doing and how to do it and where it is located
>>>>>>> etc. She has taken over the food and feeding department with
>>>>>>> Mary's help. Greg has agreed to act as the housing director as
>>>>>>> we seem to have a steady flow of people coming and going. Greg
>>>>>>> also is documenting the time with his new camera.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Gail Robbins came around and worked with Molly and Laura to
>>>>>>> help get the home care organized. They went over the meds and
>>>>>>> the beds and the nursing possibilities. Laura making phone
>>>>>>> calls while she worries about having to return to LA. Slowly
>>>>>>> slowly things are falling into place in an orderly fashion.
>>>>>>> The wild card being, of course, what CW does.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Joanie B came back around, along with Nancy Carlin. Cynthia
>>>>>>> was sleeping, but those of us who were there had a good time.
>>>>>>> She is returning tomorrow with her 96 year old mother.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> The firemen came to lift Cynthia onto the Hospice hospital bed
>>>>>>> and she is happy as a clam in the new set up. It is more
>>>>>>> mobile and we could wheel her to where she has a better view
>>>>>>> out over the Pacific then she had from her old bed. Also it is
>>>>>>> far easier for her to be sitting up, just with the push ofd a
>>>>>>> button.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> The afternoon was phone calls, answering e-mails and phone
>>>>>>> messages. Tonight after a dinner of excellent Latikas, we
>>>>>>> did the first of the daily ceremonies for Hanukkah. Tom made
>>>>>>> a minora, Paula did the prayers, and we all sang.
>>>>
>>>> The Cronander family, Mark, Maria Elena and Marcos are here.
>>>> Marcos, amazing us all, is now studying classics at UCSC,
>>>> (GREGSON DAVIS AND ANDREW MILLER, PLEASE TAKE NOTE) and was
>>>> gracious in fielding all of the greetings that began with "Ah,
>>>> but I remember you when you were this high...."
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>>> Saturday (DEC. 12) was all action. Dick Hodge (The Judge) came
>>>>>> in the morning, followed by his son Ashton. For many many
>>>>>> years Dick and Ashton were here every other weekend when Dick
>>>>>> would have his divorced father weekends. This also is a long
>>>>>> story for another day. It was important to both of them to be
>>>>>> here, and important for them to have been here together.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Early afternoon brought the arrival of the Baez women; Joan Sr.
>>>>>> 96 years old (and wearing a beautiful long black coat made for
>>>>>> her by Pauline, with royal purple satin lining), Joan Jr, and
>>>>>> sister Pauline, who lives near Jamesburg. Cynthia was very
>>>>>> pleased to have them all come to call. We laughed, sang songs,
>>>>>> mostly carols, and told stories, all very heartfelt. Cynthia
>>>>>> quoted Shakespeare.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Laura Flanagan has been amazing, helping Molly very much in
>>>>>> organizing the in-home care, which involved many interviews with
>>>>>> home care providers. The interviews took place at the table in
>>>>>> the living room in the middle of a room filled with dogs and
>>>>>> people being together in the intensity of the Living Wake, the
>>>>>> hugs, the tears. People all in the mood to practice real
>>>>>> teamwork. Lots to be done, everyone ready to help.
>>>>> There is a lot of food around to tempt those who have had
>>>>> too little sleep, have been working too hard and forgetting to
>>>>> eat, or have just lost their interest in food.
>>>>>> Bill Soskin, Cynthia d'Vincent, and cousin Janie with husband
>>>>>> MIchael Wildgoose, they all dropped by. Hansi had been here in
>>>>>> the morning, playing flute in the garden outside of Cynthia's
>>>>>> window, and Melody came in the afternoon. And many more
>>>>>> people...........all coming to pay their respects.
>>>>>
>>>>>> And I have not mentioned the gang of the (actually not so) young
>>>>>> people who are here..... Oliver Davis, Katy Goldschmidt,
>>>>>> daughter Sarah, and the Hoyle brothers, Jonah and Daniel.
>>>>>> Sarah, the granddaughter is spending time sitting with Cynthia,
>>>>>> in spite of her asthma. Katy, Daniel and Jonah spent part of
>>>>>> Saturday composing a song, "Goin' to Cynthia's" (words and audio
>>>>>> attached) that is a snapshot of how thing were for them in the
>>>>>> years when they were visiting as kids. After dinner we all
>>>>>> crowded into the bedroom and with Daniel playing guitar, and
>>>>>> they sang their very sweet song. Many different generations of
>>>>>> "kids" have passed through Cynthia's house, all with their own
>>>>>> story. Will other verses appear from other eras?
>>>>>>
>>>>> Sunday night. (Dec. 13) Just home from having dinner with our
>>>>> stepmother in Monterey. It was the first time in 6 days that we
>>>>> have left the home. After we were there for half an hour the
>>>>> phone rang with the news that Hope's brother, Frances Duveneck ,
>>>>> had just died. It was so good that Molly and I were with
>>>>> Hope. We never have dinner with her Sunday night, but tonight
>>>>> Lucinda Lloyd (who grew up next door and is a nurse at CHOMP)
>>>>> was going to look after mom so Molly and I could go see Hope.
>>>>> This afternoon I was bone tired, but could not nap. Dragged
>>>>> myself up to go to town, then the phone call, and we moved into
>>>>> yet again another psychic space. Leaving his body must have been
>>>>> such a relief for Frances, who has been deaf and very ill for far
>>>>> too long, none the less, he was Hope's very closest person for
>>>>> all of her life. So we drank Irish whiskey and talked and tried
>>>>> to figure out if we should leave Hope alone or what. She is very
>>>>> over independent and will not ask for help.
>>>>>
>>>>> Finally we made our way home, and again the deep tired takes over.
>>>>>
>>>>> The weekend was extraordinary. So many people and so much going
>>>>> on that I can hardly begin to capture the time in words. And
>>>>> Cynthia just sailing along, eating a little of this and that,
>>>>> enjoying the hospital bed that goes up and down. She has taken
>>>>> to wearing her glasses again. The newly organized nursing care
>>>>> seems to be going smoothly. When awake, Cynthia is happy to see
>>>>> visitors in the room. Sometimes she is more with it than at
>>>>> other times. When feeling good she holds forth, direct straight
>>>>> talk with moral teachings. She is all about love, so it is a
>>>>> pleasure to be with her.
>>>>>
>>>>> She can see the birds at the bird feeder from her bed, and look
>>>>> out over the vast Pacific.
>>>>>
>>>>> Sainted Sister Molly told me of our mothers day when we drove to
>>>>> Monterey, saying that she had gone from being in the absolute
>>>>> mind of yesterday, with its love and happiness, somewhat over
>>>>> into the relative mind, expressing some worries, and although
>>>>> unfounded, she, in that moment, was experiencing some
>>>>> anxiety....for example,.....the question of how she was going to
>>>>> get down to the living room for dinner...no,people will join you
>>>>> for dinner here, you need not do a thing, everything is fine...
>>>>> And a little bossy, telling Molly to put the top back onto the
>>>>> chap stick tube after having had her lips moistened, etc.
>>>>>
>>>>> And she is wandering, dreaming very close to the surface. She is
>>>>> such a private person, a deeply private person. (Do any of us
>>>>> really know anything about her?)
>>>>>
>>>>> I spent little time with Cynthia today. I tried to cheer the
>>>>> chickens up, wet chickens are not happy chickens. I turned
>>>>> over part of the compost pile. Our congressman comes to pick up
>>>>> some of the trees I got for him, we load up his truck, and he
>>>>> calls on Cynthia. I visit with Oliver Davis, son of my brother
>>>>> Gregson from Antigua. Oliver and Sarah knew each other from
>>>>> babyhood up to 5 maybe. Then they moved from Stanford on to Duke
>>>>> (its closer to Antigua) and we rarely saw each other. Last night
>>>>> Oliver made egg nog with me and we talked, really for the first
>>>>> time. He is here usually on occasions when there are many people
>>>>> here, so we had little interaction one to one. I love him
>>>>> unconditionally, which I think he knows, because he is Gregson's
>>>>> son. He is as lovely as he is good looking. And last night the
>>>>> 2 of us became friends.
>>>>>
>>>>> And these days, filled with endless hours of sitting around in
>>>>> the living room in front of the fireplace, reading, talking,
>>>>> working on one project or another, cooking, While Cynthia
>>>>> sleeps or is indisposed, people hang out and visit with each
>>>>> other, and when she awakens, people go and sit with her.
>>>>>
>>>>> Wondering if I will be able to do some worldly errands
>>>>> tomorrow. I spent less time in the living room on Sunday,
>>>>> withdrawing from the energy field of this Living Wake. It has
>>>>> been very hard for people to leave. They would go their cars,
>>>>> then reemerge. Finally by Sunday evening most people were gone.
>>>>> My brother came back down from Davis and Paula is still here in
>>>>> the Kitchen, and of course Greg and Boo and Elena and Tasha are
>>>>> all here, and Jim and Sonja.
>>>>
>>>> XXOO HW
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>
>>
>
>
--
Sent from my mobile device
Katherine Komaroff Goodman
Katherine Komaroff Fine Arts, Inc.
300 Central Park West #17B
New York, NY 10024
212 579 7636
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